Therapy


I saw my therapist Thursday and discussed the possibility of my leaving my marriage of 34 years.  She seemed quite surprised.  I guess after all this time together, and my saying that I can’t see my life without him, I suddenly can see the possibility of a life alone.  I want to bring him in right away, but with this kidney stone thing, she felt it would be better for him to have recovered.  Unfortunately, that leaves me taking care of my pain riddled, weeping 62 year old husband for at least another two weeks.  Luckily, his pain has eased since Thursday morning.  We haven’t seen any evidence of having passed any stones, but at least he feels better.  If nothing happens in two weeks we will go back to the urologist.  Which means I have to continue to wait to discuss making some serious changes.

It’s the indecision that is so problematic.  Once a decision has been made I will feel better.  I know, too, that I don’t have to wait until the kidney stone situation is resolved, but it would make me feel much better not to hit him when he was down.  This is so similar to the last time I had to discuss changing things in our marriage some 10 years ago after the affair.  I was almost ready to leave when he started having major abdominal pain and it turned out that he needed his gall bladder removed.  Right after that our son came home to recover from his addictions, and I felt I couldn’t leave.

Now with the kidney stones and his friends’ recent abandonment of him, and we just heard his best friend has only about 10-14 days left to live.  How cruel would it be for me to completely withdraw from him now??

What is it about my timing?  Is it Karma’s way of saying I should stay?  Karma’s way of letting me be sure that my decision will be the right one?  He manipulates and controls me, but I don’t think he means to.  Does that give him the right to do it?  No.  Does it make me feel partially responsible?  Yes.  I let him control me, though I stand up to him now.  Not that it changes much, but it does show he can no longer control me.  I have to give him the opportunity to prove he can change.  Don’t I?

I wish I knew how this happened.  Why it happened the way it did.  It’s not that he is a bad guy, but not a great husband.  He’s not evil, he’s only doing what comes naturally to him.  Unfortunately it turns out I was the type of person easily controlled.  I hate to admit how like my father my husband is, and how much like my mother I turned out to be.  No wonder I’m depressed most of the time.  Is it too damaged to repair?

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10 thoughts on “Therapy

  1. These questions you’re asking are good …because it shows you’re examining every aspect of the decision to be made. Now that you’ve asked them…’answer’ what’s in your heart. Take into account that now you can’t be controlled… you’ve just been for so many years that you’re not sure how your husband will take it… Can he change at all do you think … only you know that in your heart and by how he is acting now.

    I think marriages can be repaired IF both people want it to be …actually it perhaps needs more than repair…it needs ‘renewing’…

    It’s likely good to have a bit more time for you to determine the answers… take care! Diane xo

    • Thank you for your comments. I think if I show him how serious this is, I think he’ll step up. I guess my biggest fear is that he won’t change and I will have to leave. And you’re right. The marriage doesn’t just need repair-weI need to fall in love again.

      Peace and best wishes sent your way.
      Linda

  2. Hey Linda,
    does your husband know how unhappy you are? Does he care about it? What reasons can you think of to work on your relationship? What good could it bring you? And what would it cost you?
    I think after all the time with him, you are likely to fear insecurity but wish for living your life nonetheless.
    I hope you figure your way out, my friend.
    Chris

    • Odd how I never really considered if he knows I’m unhappy. I imagine it is hard for him to know, he probably assumes it’s “just” the depression.

      The only reasons I can think to stay in the marriage is a certain amount of security, and a sense of familiarity. That makes me sad.

      Thank you for bringing up some very good questions.
      I greatly appreciate your kindness and friendship.

      Linda

      • Hello Linda you’re welcome,i’m your friend and I take it serious 🙂 what do you think about asking him if he knows how you feel and trying to explain it to him.could be a chance and if it doesn’t work out this way you have only spoiled something already spoiled.maybe answer my key questions to happiness and share your answers with him? Let me know how and what you are doing so that I can ask further questions.take care, Chris

  3. I can totally 100% understand how you are feeling. I remember sitting in a hospital ward with tears streaming down my face having been told by a consultant that my husband needed me to look after him. He had faked an overdose the night before. This was during the period when I was trying to break up our marriage. I was devastated and couldn’t see an end to all my misery.
    When you are stuck in a one sided marriage where one does all the giving and one does all the taking there is never going to be a good time to leave. There will always be a reason that they need you just one more time. Now it is gall stones then it will be something else then another crisis. You need to decide whether you can stay in that situation.
    Remember also that if you decide to leave you will be forcing your family to manage the things that you now do for them. It would be interesting to see if they can or would they find someone else to lean on.
    It is not an easy decision to make, I really don’t envy you, I wouldn’t like to be in that position again, but no matter how hard it was for me to make the break I have only one regret………..that I didn’t do it sooner.
    You have spent 34 years putting everyone else before yourself if you decide to leave you will have to start doing something that goes against your instincts. You will have to learn to be selfish and think of yourself first.
    I hope you make the right choice for you
    hugs

    • Thank you for your words from experience. I am hopeful that some family therapy sessions will help my husband see the light. He’s pretty blind until I get right in front of him waving red flags. I dread the first meeting with the therapist, but I’m curious as well to see how it goes.

      You are absolutely right though, there will never be a good time to do this, except when it’s the right time for me to make and stick to a decision. I just wish I knew when that time will be.

  4. Someone once said to me and I have said it to others since………when the time is right you will know. I don’t know how but you will.
    good luck with everything …..I don’t pray but I shall keep you in my thoughts 🙂

  5. the timing is the universes way of getting you to slow down. it would be cruel to add to his burden at this time. the good thing is this gives you time to make a plan. make hard decisions and know where this path is taking you. even the grandest adventure takes some real planning.

    wishing you peace of heart

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