As many of you might have noticed, my original post called Bad Dreams has disappeared. I am trying to recreate a portion of it now. If by some miracle you saw the original post, good for you, I hope you enjoyed it, and you can skip this one.
I have restarted taking Abilify and one of the nifty side effects is weird/disturbing dreams. Like all dreams, the substance dissipates, but the feelings stay with me. One of the overwhelming feelings is guilt. With the following letters to my last employer and to my mother (which will appear in a separate post) to assuage my guilt over my actions, and hopefully explain why I did what I did when I did. For more on the subject you can click here.
I want to clear the air regarding the gossip issue that clouded my last days at VRM. It took me a while to realize that P was the complainant, not one of the other staff. This explains P’s growing coldness to me during my last months.
I was under considerable growing stress and certainly was frustrated, frightened, and not a little panicky during my entire last year with VRM. Some of this stress was relieved by discussing my problems with other staff. The relationships with other staff had always been one of sharing thoughts about others in the firm, as well as my own fears. I believe the stress I was under from all points made me less than aware as to the error in my actions.
First, I admit to the gossip…but, I never realized that I was actually gossiping! My lifelong understanding of gossip always implied speaking maliciously or untrue of others not in hearing. Since I never said anything knowingly malicious or untrue, I never considered my “talks” with other staff about other staff members was “gossip.”
I understand that speaking about anyone who is not present is wrong and can lead to misunderstandings. I want to tell you anything told to me in confidence by one of the other staff members was never shared. In particular, I want to assure you and P that NONE of his personal business was ever discussed with staff members. I hope that my reputation of being honest and forthcoming in all our dealings, you will believe me when say that. While I am sure P will not believe that, please let him know that I never shared personal information with anyone inappropriate. It still pains me to think I ruined a good relationship with a good boss by my ignorant actions. I realize now, though, that I said things about others which may have been perceived by them as unkind. I never knowingly said anything hurtful, untrue, or deceitful about any staff.
Also realize that all the staff members “talked” among ourselves about people who were not always present. I don’t say that to excuse my or anyone else’s behavior, but to show that the atmosphere of the office among the staff was one of sharing our perceptions of each other. For me it was a way to connect and understand my co-workers, and often a way to release tension with humor-albeit at someone else’s expense, but most often my own.
I thank you for your kindness in allowing me to “retire” with some dignity and appreciate P not making me a standing example of wrongdoing. I feel bad every day that I disappointed P, but I also point out that if he had been less passive/aggressive and spoken to me directly instead of through you, the issue could have been resolved much sooner and without causing undue distress. But that is not what happened, and I accept full responsibility for my actions, this letter is simply my way of apologizing.
Thank you again for your kindness, consideration and friendship.