Moment to Moment


I just had a “conversation” with S, any time he paused and I opened my mouth, only to have him jabber on without regard for my half, thereby fulfilling the definition of  “conversation.”  I don’t get angry.  It makes me so sad.  I feel like I’m a lousy mom that I didn’t teach him better.  I want to yell at him, “let me say something,” but he’s already finished talking and left the room.  I feel so unwanted, it’s really making my life difficult.

I’ve discussed this to some degree with H, and all he can do is apologize.  I don’t want an effing apology, I want him to change.  It’s nearly impossible to repair our communication without his help.  I mostly don’t bring up the subject with either S or H, because they will just argue that I am wrong, and add that they were sorry.

They don’t understand it’s a cumulative thing. 

Every test or quiz I’ve taken in the last 30 years, from various  internet sources, and magazines.  Me and H flunked every one of them. Flunking indicates those couples with poor communication skills are doomed to divorce. I’d really love to prove them wrong.

I’m to the point where it’s a daily struggle with my mood.  My morning started out beautifully, posted a new blog, read a few blogs, cleaned the fridge (ewww).  I felt good and had some motivation. Then I had to have a conversation with S, and my mood was shot to hell. 

So here I am typing through my tears, angry with myself for allowing myself to be this miserable.  I hate feeling so stuck.  How can I leave when we can’t afford one place?  Who will I depend on? S and H don’t ignore me on purpose, but they do it always, and now I find Mom does it too.  That’s my last straw.

I remember that calm place on grandma’s sun porch ca 1970, and try to go there while I fold and put away all the laundry I just finished.  Moments like these I feel more like the housekeeper than wife and mother.

Just give me a minute and I’ll be ok.  I don’t want to give in to the tears.

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8 thoughts on “Moment to Moment

    • Sometimes I just lose it. I get so angry with myself that I’m not dealing better with life, then I get angry with myself for being angry. Gotta change that thinking.

      xoxoxox

  1. this is a tough one isn’t it? this is hard to do and you may find it isn’t what works for you, my h has add and often jumps in and starts talking. i just say at the time, please don’t interrupt me it makes me feel like you don’t want to hear what i have to say. he assures me that is not true and he tries not to do it. the fact is he can’t change this, it is part of the add and no matter how much he has tried over the years i have come to understand it is not personal. sometimes we just have to say it is not personal even if it feels that way. my guess is there are alot of things happening that make you feel this way. in my case all the good makes up for this one bad habit.

    i am so sorry that you are having such an awful time of it. it can’t be easy for you and you really need some friendships or family that you can be with and make you feel valued.

    • Never really thought about H and S having ADD, they just can’t stop themselves and some days I can ignore being ignored, but when it’s just me against the 4 of them I feel surrounded by people who don’t care about me, while I know that’s not really the case here. I have tried to talk to husband about how I feel, but he cannot see a world beyond his own. He has no empathy–guess empathy’s a learned thing, as someone recently mentioned on their blog. I will keep trying to make them understand. I may just have to live with it. If I can.

      Thanks so much for your valued comments. You have a lot of wisdom in your words, which is something I very much need right now.

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