Getting Better


Things have begun to improve.  For one, I am approved to receive unemployment benefits while I look for work!  Yay!  Some income!!  For another, I have started to remove myself from the room when my family begins to argue.  It’s odd that I never noticed until recently, that every conversation in my house is generally a debate.  Husband says the sky is blue as ice, and Son will explain how it’s not really blue as ice, as ice merely reflects the sky….Almost all conversations are like this.  An argument where both want to be right.  Throw grandson in the mix–he’s a compulsive liar (I truly love him, though).  I never knew there was such a thing, but everything from him is a story.  Usually a fantastical one where he lands on Mars as some sort of hero.  He just doesn’t seem to have a grasp of what is true and what is not. 

So I’ve been spending a lot less time with my family, which has oddly, displaced a lot of my stress and anxiety.  I try to provide a little more emotional distance between my moods and the moods of the rest of my family (bi-polar drug addict son; narcissistic husband, and ADHD grandson).  Sometimes that makes me very sad.  I have to wonder, do I need them as much as they need me?  Is spending most of my time away from my family good for us as a unit?    But why should I spend time with them, when all they do is argue if a movie came out in 1970 or 1980.  No one really talks to me; more they talk AT me.  The only real conversations I have are with my shrink.  Now how can that not make you sad?

I’d love for things to be different.  I fantasize about running away.  Maybe just for a few months.  Maybe show them what life would be like without me.  Maybe I’d be a bit more appreciated when I came back.  Of course I know they love me, and I them.  But there are times I wonder is this all there is to life?  Should I demand more?  Should I continue to practice the art of acceptance?

It’s moment to moment, but the content moments are becoming more frequent.  I think there is acceptance in my future.  Maybe I’ll be there by the time I’m 60?

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13 thoughts on “Getting Better

  1. Just some thoughts…(don’t I always have)…. I think I got the clearest picture of what your life is day to day with today’s blog. First some questions

    What do you think your life will be like it you get a job?

    Is there any prospect of your family’s attitude changing if you do demand more from them?

    Do they have any idea of the stress or sadness you are under? Do they ever talk to you about it and affirm you or say they will try harder?. Or do they just expect you to carry on the way things are and accept it?

    You mentioned something today which I suspected regarding your husband and I guess that’s why if you keep everything in control …house and otherwise he is content.

    You said you are more content… Is that because you exclude yourself from the confrontations? Do you want to have to keep doing that and do you want to accept that.?….

    Only you can answer the final question… Speaking for myself It would be so difficult….without asking something from the rest of the members of the people that shared my life and my home.

    I’ve been so forthright and bold and if I’ve over-stepped I apologize. I just wanted you to think perhaps of some of the issues I see as an onlooker….because I do hope for more joy in your life than what you have at least now….Maybe it will get better….I certainly do indeed hope so.. Regardless of anything you are my friend …Diane

    • Diane, as always, thanks for your kind words. Yes, these question you pose are what I think about all the time. Why don’t I demand more from them? I’ve tried. It’s pretty hard to argue with a narcissist, or have a discussion if no one even acknowledges me when I speak. For now I content myself with removing myself from unpleasant surroundings, and ponder if this is the way the rest of my life will be.

  2. moments are what our life is about. take those good ones and hold them close to your heart. it’s good to hear you are going to get unemployment. removing yourself when your family is arguing sounds like a good coping skill. i wish i could offer you some words of wisdom but all i can offer is my friendship and hope for you to have some real joy in your life soon.

    • Thanks for stopping by. I am coping the only way I can for the moment. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I guess I’m just too afraid right now to do anything else.

      Securing unemployment is a big relief. Of course, watch me get a job, but pays less than unemployment.

  3. Linda, I suppose contentment and acceptance isn’t so much the “destination” (somewhere we “get” at different ages) as it is the “journey” and the life experiences we gather along the way. Why some people seem to attract life’s hardest knocks will, I believe, remain one of life’s greatest mysteries. I know that’s scant consolation when you’re in the center of the maelstrom, and any pithy little epigram I could offer (“When the going gets tough, the tough get going,” for example) won’t be helpful long term. So we are left with heartfelt and sincere assertions of our love and concern and faith that you will overcome. And you will.

    Warm Hugs,

    -R-

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