I’ve decided I am in an Identity Crisis. In reviewing my life I find I was not as kind, not as forgiving, or even loving as I thought I was. There are so many flaws I see in my person that I wonder why my family puts up with me. I understand better why I don’t have friends. Ever since I realized I was a gossip, I have been beating myself up over things I said or did in stupidity or selfishness. Then comes the realization that I am NOT disabled as I thought and felt. It was a real eyeopener to read the medical reports on me. I wouldn’t give me disability either based on those. I feel like a fraud, when I never intended any wrong.
I know, leave the past in the past, move on. accept what I’ve realized and then make honest efforts to change. I try to stay in the moment, in today, but there are times I just can’t. I feel like an alcoholic who’s just gone sober and sees the havoc and pain he caused.
In the meantime, my family stays the same. I am ashamed to admit there are times that I am truly, heartily disappointed in my family, my son, my grandson. Of course, being female I blame myself. What did I do wrong? Was it like this for my parents? Did my mom look at her brood one birthday and ask herself, “What the hell happened to MY life?” I wonder who these people are. They lie and they are terrible know-it-alls. They talk over each other trying to convince the other they are correct. It seems like everything is an argument. I can’t take it any more!
They’re always yelling. I realized yesterday that we are the noisiest family in the neighborhood. They yell from the kitchen to the bedrooms and back. They call for each other from outside the house when the others are inside the house. I HATE IT!
I’m having a lot of trouble trying to reconcile how I feel now. Are there major changes I have to make to have peace in my life? I don’t really want to leave my family, but sometimes it seems like that’s the only option. I thought I was past this depression, but I guess I was wrong.