Self Doubt


The weather here is beautiful.  Yesterday it was 76 degrees.  In February.  I love it.  The robins have returned already and we’ve got wild flowers blooming.  I don’t remember an earlier spring.   Sure it won’t stay like this for long, we’ll still get some cold weather and cold rains.

My moods have been like the weather lately.  I was in a beautiful mood yesterday.  I was feeling very up despite my situation.  I decided that it was the day I would go to the social security office to file my appeal because it is past the date.  I spoke to the lawyer again and I told her I was filing my appeal.  She looked at the papers and told me the date had passed.  I explained that you can’t go by the date of the letter, because I didn’t receive the letter until January.  The letter was dated November 2012.  Anyway, I had to file in person, so I looked up the address on mapquest.com and took off.  I could not find the office! 

I came home and started just falling apart.  Such a little thing, right.  Except it’s not just the appeal, it’s trying to transfer mom’s car to Son’s ex when her name isn’t on the title, and still waiting for death certificates, and papers from the bank about the mortgage I’ve barely looked at.  I just lost it and let it all overwhelm me. 

I waste a lot of my life freaking out, feeling overwhelmed and I am tired of it.  Sick and tired.  Why can’t I control myself?  I seem to be finding all these hidden flaws in my character.  I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t anymore.  Is this my midlife crisis still going on?  Does it ever end?  I feel crazy sometimes and I just hate my life.  I suppose that’s why I fantasize about moving to Spain.

I know I have control of my life–at least as much as any one–and I can make changes.  I’m finding that making changes is really tough.  I lack the motivation (most days) of doing much.  Some days all I do is read blogs and wash dishes.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want more out of my life, but don’t know how. 

How to chase my dreams?  The bottom line, I don’t want to hustle the way a new comic does.  Doing open mics wherever I could?  It’s just not my scene, or at least it never has been.  Being in loud bars and joints in less than ideal locations.  All that driving, especially a lot of night driving.

So I’ve abandoned that dream, contentedly, though with regret, but pleased that I at least tried, and in ways achieved what I wanted.  I just don’t want it now bad enough.  And when I should have done it in my 20s, I was too busy working, and raising a son, and theoretically, learning.

Sometimes I think I’ve got the answer, but I’m always sure I’m wrong. 

As for other dreams?  I’ve always wanted to leave something behind.  Something noteworthy of 15 minutes of fame, a blurb in a newspaper.  I’ve done some things, but they don’t feel big enough.  Sure I have magazines in the national library in Washington DC.  I should be proud of that, but I don’t think it’s much. 

I guess I always felt I was “one of the kids” growing up.  I never shined academically, or athletically.  I’ve always felt very mediocre, and ordinary.  I honestly do not understand why my husband loves me.  I’m a lousy friend, anti social, self absorbed and sometimes bitchy.  I suppose it’s all got to do with my upbringing.  I need to make peace, but I thought I already did?  I don’t want to go back into therapy, mostly because I believe you can get addicted and never able to extricate yourself from your demons.

It’s time to read the Dalai Lama, and try to meditate.

It’s either give up or go on.  As much as I want to give up, I can’t.

 

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14 thoughts on “Self Doubt

  1. If therapy helps, I say do it. I used to feel guilty for going to see my therapist so often. But everyone has minor “addictions” and that one does not harm that I can really see. We don’t have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps – we can ask for help. My husband spends money on tools. I spend money to allow myself to function. God knows there’s plenty of other things I’d rather spend my money on. And there’s other careers I could have had. I’ve berated myself for having degrees yet not a bigger position. But that’s not me. I don’t want to be the boss, even if it does come with a bigger paycheck. It’s not worth the added stress. So I try to stop thinking of what I SHOULD do and think of what I HAVE done. And I’m willing to bet you’ve done quite a bit. I also wonder why my husband loves me sometimes, but hey, I love him and he’s not perfect either. Be kind to yourself, as you would to a friend. We would never treat our friends the way we treat ourselves when depressed.

    I left work early. I really didn’t feel too well, but I could have made it through. But my depression has been bad. So I took some of my time and used it. I feel guilty for it, but I needed it. Hang in there.

    • Thanks for your uplifting comment. It’s nice to know I’m not really as alone as I sometimes feel.

      You really wonder why your husband loves you? I never heard anyone else say that. But after all 30 years I sometimes wonder. Of course, god knows my husband has made his share of mistakes (as I have). Maybe just by sticking around they show how much they love us.

  2. I get like this all the time. I might wake up full of vim and vigor and determination to tackle one of the endless tasks, then suddenly I will slump into lethargy and blahness. You are not alone.

  3. I may have to join you in Spain. My fantasy is to have enough money to hire someone to cook me a tortilla de patata everyday. I’m with you on the frustrated part, every time I work on my self, the magnitude of the task overwhelms me.

  4. Sometimes the harshest criticism we face is our own… You need to be reminded on a regular basis I think just how much stress you are undergoing right now…There are so many important things….your appeal, your Mom’s issues financial and emotional, your son, your mortgage, employment…Think of it and don’t ever doubt that what you’re feeling is more than understandable …

    I think you are holding up better than most….take care of yourself…Diane

  5. I have felt like this a lot in my life. Therapy has been helpful in many ways but especially in helping me understand and come to terms wth the fact that sometimes I’m just going to feel crappy. I can’t tell you when I actually accepted this, but it was completely liberating. I realized how much energy I had been wasting beating myself up for not being the way I “should” be or feeling how I was “supposed” to feel. It’s still a process, but I had a pretty destructive pattern of feeling like something was wrong with me because I wasn’t always happy or even content. You have had A LOT of stress recently, and even though you had a day where you were “in a beautiful mood”, I think it’s perfectly normal, especially with your circumstances to feel like hell shortly after. When my FIL died and we were dealing with death certificates and title changes and all the legalities that have to be tended to when someone dies, I was a wreck. I would be feeling okay and then have to deal with something, especially vehicle titles, and I turned into a crazy person. Therapy was so critical for me during that time, if for no other reason than to have some reasurrance that I was normal. I may have mentioned this before, but the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle has always been a good source when I’m struggling with self-doubt and feeling a lack of accomplishment. Be kind to your self. You’re handling a lot these days.

    • Thank you for your kind and uplifting words. For the moment, my therapy seems to be this blog. I keep posting my fears, and others respond, saying they have felt the same. I thought I had made peace with my past years ago, the fact that I haven’t makes me feel extremely unworthy. Like I should’ve gotten it together by now. It’s hard not to beat yourself up, isn’t it?

  6. the dalai lama said ” my religion is simple, kindness is my religion.” so start by being kind to yourself! all things change and we can bend with the wind or break, your choice. i have a feeling you will bend but with some kicking and screaming along the way:) everything changes as we get older. dreams of our youth are put aside, but there are new dreams to replace them. if you are worried about therapy my i suggest going to someone who puts a parameter on the experience? when i did private therapy i gave 8-16 sessions. i told my patients if they were not seeing improvement by then i was the wrong therapist. we would discuss very briefly the family history. our goal was to find out what you really want to do with your life and how are you going to do it. i gave homework. if someone did not do it 2x they were to find another therapist.

    most importantly… be kind to yourself

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I try to be kind, but I’m usually not very kind to myself. Something about deserving to be happy. I guess life is just all about change. Mother Nature says you bend or break, you’re right, I’ll bend. I just have to eliminate all these fears and emotions about it.

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