H took some days off this week for 4th of July. we’ve had five wonderful days of togetherness and frustration. I’m becoming more withdrawn and can’t wait for Monday! I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately, but all weekend all I could think about was this is what the rest of my life looks like. For the next 30 years it’s me, H, S and GS home day after day together. No money for vacations. Just the four of us on our separate computers living separate lives together, bumping into each other from time to time. Stepping gingerly to avoid crushing toes, usually unsuccessfully.
I don’t know if people are supposed to continue to live with their children, but that’s how it’s ended up for us. Four people in a two bedroom house. Disabled, Retired, Self-employed and student. H and I joke that by the time S is able to afford to live on his own, we will need him to move in to help us. I fear we are already there. I have come to depend on S for my social interaction during the day. My GS is my sometime playmate. H is unknown, and I can’t understand why.
I dread next year when H retires. I feel pressure to establish myself and my routine before he quits working. This weekend was a good dry run. H gets bored, wants to go out, take rides, go take photos, go hiking, go, go, go. We have a small garden and he can putter around in the yard for a few hours, but not hour after hour, day after day. I’ve learned to say no to him if I don’t want to go to the hardware store with him. Now I rarely go with him running around. Even if he drives out to visit friends, I rarely want to go.
Why wouldn’t I want to go visit friends? Because they are all H’s old friends from school. I’ve known them all many years now, but still I don’t feel they are my friends. None of them call to talk to me. I stopped going with H to hang when I realized I just sat there while they all reminisce. I’ve got nothing to say, no input, no opinion, and none is asked for. Who wants to sit around and be ignored?
That seems to be a theme for me, no one talks to me, invites me to lunch, out shopping, etc. Why? What is it I do wrong? Do I live too far away? Do I seem aloof? Am I just an unlikeable bitch? And if I am, how do I change? If that’s not it, what is it? Just like a kid, I constantly wonder do any of these “friends” really like me, and how do I know? Story of my life, I am still not sure. I don’t trust that the friendship is true.
I have tried many many times over the years to generate friends of my own, through classes, neighbors, co-workers and have learned only that friendship lasts only as long as the job, or the length of time you live next door. Move or change jobs and you have to make all new friends. I figured I must be missing some basic knowledge, because I don’t know how to be a friend, I guess, or I would have long time friends like other people do.
Perhaps there is a self help book out there for the lonely, but I haven’t found it yet. Maybe it’s just me, and I just have a lonely personality, that I will never feel loved enough, or feel I have enough friends.
Now I’m off to clean the kitchen, my new full-time job.